And When Dad Came Home
by OleChrissie
Summary: So the title says it all really. This picks up on the hint given in The Dark Side of the Moon regarding John and the way he treated Dean. It is my impression so please feel free to disagree but you need to read it first before you shout at me!


So this is my take on that little scene where Dean said so much with his expression in Dark Side of the Moon. I have read others feelings about it and many cling to the idea that John wouldn't hit his kids. I disagree, it goes with the territory, a given.

This is the closest Kripke will ever get to saying it though because he doesn't want a huge debate about it. He doesn't want to move the focus away from the bigger issue, you know the ending the world thing.

As one fan put it:

_If you asked Kripke if John had ever hit Dean, I bet he'd say, "Well duh!" ( thanks to NongPradu, hope you don't mind!)_

Please don't sue me for using that quote but it sums it up perfectly for me.

But was John a complete SOB? I'm not sure, read my ideas and let me know what you think.

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Dean paused when he heard Sam's words about their father and how easily they may have had Max's life, Sam appeared clueless and Dean was so tempted to dispel the myth. Loyalty kicked in and he held his tongue. It was true that his dad had never abused them but it was a falsehood to pretend he had never laid his hands on his kids in anger. He had, something Dean knew only too well. Sam knew that too but he appeared to have forgotten, conveniently if Dean was honest with himself.

''All things considered,'' he agreed ambiguously. Sam hesitated and then shrugged, convincing himself that he was imagining something that wasn't there.

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Dean was knocked sideways as he stood in the tacky motel room that Sam had called home for two weeks.

Sam's guilt flashed across his face as Dean said the words.

''And when dad came home...'' Dean couldn't help it, he had kept his resentment to himself for so long but when faced with Sam's lack of perception of their father's true nature, he allowed himself the luxury of suggestion. Sam's face revealed some understanding but that night felt like it was yesterday to Dean. He stood frozen as memories assaulted him and against his will, he was transported back.

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Seventeen year old Dean stopped when he saw the car, nausea rose in his throat as his father's voice floated across the car lot towards him. He gulped as his name was screamed over and over.

He turned and ran, he ran for the darkness, anything to get away from his father and the look of disappointment that he knew he would see reflected in his eyes.

Dean pulled a beer from the six pack and looked into the black woods, a distant owl whistled and Dean could almost believe that all was well.

Sam had betrayed him and Dean couldn't understand why he'd taken off. Dean did his best, he tried to make life as normal as possible. He got it, he understood but he'd blocked out that possibility long ago. He remembered having a mom and a dad, a dad that came home at night, a dad who put him to bed and read to him. He got milk and pie, they tossed a football around together. He felt safe and loved, it was a distant memory but it was real, something he could hold onto.

There were other memories too, memories of his mother crying and of arguments on the phone, long nights when his dad stayed away but Dean chose not to acknowledge those memories. Those memories reminded him his father wasn't perfect and in their situation Dean couldn't entertain those doubts, not even for a second. They faced the worst kind of monsters and Dean had to believe his father was perfect, a hero even.

Dean jumped as he heard a familiar voice calling, Dean knew this was make or break. Either he faced him or he took off too, that was unthinkable, that meant the end of the Winchesters as a unit, as a family and Dean could not comprehend that reality. It was what defined him, the one solid that he had and he would never turn his back on his blood, never.

He took a deep breath and called out, he took a final gulp of beer and threw the bottle into undergrowth. Pulling a half empty bottle of tequila out, he took a fortifying swig.

''Dean, what the hell son? What are you doing?'' John seemed confused and his eyes were frantic.

''Just hanging, you know,'' Dean shrugged, his nonchalance borne from beer and desperation.

''Dean, where the hell is Sammy?'' John saw the beer and registered the glassy eyes his eldest was currently sporting.

''Dunno,'' Dean giggled, he giggled like a girl and he wondered where the sound had come from.

''Get your ass home now,'' John grabbed Dean by the scruff of the neck and threw him in front of him. Dean fell but firm hands righted him, shoving him roughly on. Dean traipsed towards the current dive they called home and as he regarded the ground steadfastly, he could hear John muttering behind him.

''Right, so what is going on here and don't even think about lying to me son?'' John's face was a peculiar mix of fear and anger. Dean found himself giggling again as he slumped down on the edge of the scummy bed.

''Sammy left, he just upped and left. I think he might be dead but what the hell right?'' Dean's mouth was working on its own because his brain failed to find anything remotely funny about this situation.

''When? When did he leave?'' John picked up the phone and began to dial. Dean tried to stand up but he appeared to have lost control of his legs and he stumbled, crashing onto the ground in an undignified heap.

''Get up and stay right there or so help me Dean,'' John raised his hand and Dean tried to focus. He was dimly aware that his father was threatening him but somehow it failed to frighten him. Over the years his father had threatened him with a whaling but it had always failed to materialise.

Dean was afraid of his father but he didn't take that threat particularly seriously. Funnily enough it was only Sam he had ever spanked, on three separate occasions his brother has felt their father's hand in anger, it had always been for putting himself in danger but Dean had always been too obedient to push that hard. Too compliant, too in awe to ever blatantly disobey an order.

Dean collapsed back on the bed and laid back to regard the swirling ceiling above his head.

''Thanks Bobby, I'll see you then,'' John hung up and looked at his now sleeping son. He went to the bathroom and got a bowl of cold water which he threw unceremoniously in Dean's face.

Dean gasped and sat up spluttering as he tried to wipe the water from his face. John took Dean's chin in a tight grip, his fingers biting into young flesh. Dean hissed in pain and tried to pull away.

''Look at me, goddamn it boy, you look at me,'' John shook and Dean fixed bleary eyes on John's furious face.

''When did your brother leave?'' John asked calmly and Dean tried to gather his thoughts.

''Tuesday, he left Tuesday. I went out and when I got back, he was gone,'' Dean admitted, he cringed as he said the words. They had been under strict instructions not to leave the room but Dean had been bored so he went out for a while just to grab some air. It wasn't that big a deal, they were older now and they attended school at most places so going out wasn't the end of the world as far as Dean was concerned.

''I told you not to do that, this town is heaving with demons,'' John growled and Dean frowned, the words cutting through his stupor.

If that was true, why the hell had he left them here alone? He could have at least warned them couldn't he? Dean knew the answer, he just didn't trust him and considering what he came home to, Dean figured his dad had a point. Dean just wasn't to be trusted.

''What did he take?'' John got back to business, he was furious but he had to focus, find Sammy before he tore Dean a new one.

He regretted his decision to protect the boys now, he had thought they were safer here rather than with him on this particular hunt. It had been a bad decision all around. He could have used Dean during the fight, he always did better with his eldest at his side. As it was, the demon had escaped and John knew that would not have happened if his wing man had been present.

''His backpack, some books and the little shit stole my beer,'' Dean added before he realised he probably shouldn't have said that. John's face remained impassive but there was a little pulse in a vein in his forehead that gave him away.

''Money, did he have money?'' John needed more and Dean nodded.

''Yeah, he stole about fifty bucks,'' Dean cringed as John's fingers bit deeper.

''You had better hope that he is safe son, if he is hurt I will never forgive you,'' John let go of him and Dean rubbed the sting away as the wound of his father's words began to bleed.

''Whatever,'' Dean shrugged although inside he was screaming at the thought of Sam being injured or worse. His father's attitude just pissed him off so much, Sam wasn't a baby and he had made his choice to walk away from his family, away from Dean.

''Pardon me?'' John didn't move but Dean knew he had pushed too hard, gone too far.

''Sorry, I looked for him. I looked everywhere,'' Dean mumbled but he knew it was too little, too late.

John strode across the room, pulled Dean to his feet and slapped him several times around the head.

''I'm sorry okay? I'm sorry,'' Dean put his arms around his head in a belated attempt to protect himself. John had caught his lip and it was bleeding.

''Are you? You sure about that?'' John then landed a wave of hefty whacks to Dean's backside before dumping him roughly on the bed.

Dean flinched, that had really hurt and he was struggling not to cry. Great, your daddy spanks you and you cry like a baby, Dean felt as far removed from a brave hunter as it was possible to be. Yet again, proving his father's low opinion of him was justified.

''Dean, you disobeyed me and now your brother might pay the price so don't mouth off at me.'' John yelled and Dean's ears rang from the blows and the volume.

''I should take my goddamn belt to you,'' John was now raging and Dean flinched at the threat, believing it this time.

''You let me down Dean, you let your brother down and you betrayed your family,'' John was harsh and vindictive, even the alcohol couldn't soften this blow and Dean had no defence because he blamed himself as much as John did.

''Yes sir,'' Dean nodded and dropped his head.

The phone rang and John pointed at the now openly crying boy.

''You had better hope that this is Bobby with some good news or a lead,'' John sighed as he answered the call, he hated himself for venting his spleen at Dean.

He was a boy who John burdened with adult responsibilities and mostly he did well. This was only the second time he had faltered at his task. John felt a failure that he had not controlled himself better but the thought of Sammy out in the world with no protection scared him to the depths of his soul.

Bobby had news, two hunters had stayed at a motel in Flagstaff and had thought they had seen Sam Winchester but had dismissed the idea when they realised he was alone. John thanked god for the hunter grapevine which was quick and efficient.

''Get your goddamn stuff, we're going to Flagstaff,'' John ordered and Dean did his bidding without a murmur.

He walked to the car, clutching a bag to his chest, his lip was throbbing and his butt was on fire.

He glanced miserably over at his dad and the physical discomfort paled into insignificance when he saw the inevitable disappointment in his father's eyes.

Dean was jolted back to the present and he was shocked that an adult perspective made him see other emotions in John's face. Yes, the disappointment was there but something else as well. Regret, remorse, guilt, it was all there, a myriad of conflicting emotions and Dean was again reminded his father was a complicated man. Not a hero but a man, a man who struggled everyday with the choices he made for his family.

Dean ran from it, he had assigned John to the bin marked 'dead beat dad' and it would take more than this one insight to change that. Much more but that was never going to happen now. His father was gone and he was never going to see him again.

Dean, yet again, was crushed with his own disappointment, disappointment that the family he loved and protected to the point of self destruction didn't exist and never had.

As Sam issued an inadequate apology, Dean turned away from him. He turned away from his blood, something he had always considered abhorrent but the moment had come. Dean Winchester was now officially alone.

''Forget it, let's roll,'' he said. As he looked down a darkened, unfamiliar road, Dean knew then that his fire was extinguished and he had no strength left for this fight, he wondered if he had ever really had the strength needed. Deep down in his soul, he knew the answer.

His dad had been right all along.

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I have an idea re the finale and if enough people are interested, I will share. It would fit as an extra chapter to this but we'll see.

Hope you liked, please review and let me know.

Thanks for taking the time.

Laters S X


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